l o s i n g yourself in the fun

Warm liquid is going down your throat while your friends are cheering you on (you debate whether you can you even call them friends if you only see them at parties). It burns, but it’s worth the attention. The lights are blurry and there’s a weird buzzing noise going on in your head. It smells strangely of skunk but you think it’s pleasant. There are random ass people grinding on each other. And you think you see your friend making out with the girl he said he’d never fall for again, but then again, you said you’d stay away from parties. In the moment, you’re not you. You do things you never thought you would. Sober you would not approve, but that doesn’t matter because frankly, it’s drunk you that’s present. In the blur of it all, you forget your responsibilities. Nothing else matters besides feeling good. That definition also changes every night. One night it can mean you’re getting drunk to the point you can’t remember what you did that night and the other consists of you finding a random person to “pass time” with.  Tonight, the sweat drips down your body and this guy has his hands on your ass.

A lot of things have changed since last week for you. You’re starting to realize your friends you’ve known since middle school haven’t been hanging out with you as often. You often find yourself scrolling through Instagram and seeing them with other people. Wow, your best friend has a boyfriend now. You don’t remember her telling you anything about a new guy. You make a mental note to ask her about it later. The buzzing from last night has calmed down to a low vibration. You have to go to work in fifteen minutes.

You show up with your hair slightly a mess and your shoes aren’t fully tied. You can sense the stares of your coworkers. We never thought she’d turn out this way they think.

The next day you text your best friend asking if she wants to go out to catch up. She says yes, and you both find yourself at a café. The talking starts off pretty simple, “how are you”s are being passed around. Then, you ask her about her new boyfriend. She said she kept on trying to tell you about Wes for weeks but you were always out late or hungover. You feel slightly guilty but urge her to tell you more about this mystery man. Now, it’s your turn to update her about your life. You mention the one night stands, alcohol, dancing, and to be honest, that’s all you can think of.
You guys haven’t hung out in awhile you think. You ask her if she wants to come to this party with you tonight but she declines and says she has to study for the Chem 101 test tomorrow. Shouldn’t you be studying for it too? We can study together… if you’d like. Just like how we used to at the beginning of the school year she offers. You decline because you remember the promise you made to that bottle of vodka.

Pretty soon, 10:00 hits. You made sure to put on clothes to impress. You never dressed like this in high school. When you first bought this style of clothes your best friend said they thought you looked hot in it and you couldn’t disagree. The cold bottle is in your hand and you walk into the house that is filled with dancing people and loud music. You take a swig of the cold liquid that quickly turns warm and burns going down your throat. You look for Ben… or is it Rodrigo? You can’t seem to remember but you do remember he’s your friend or at least someone you party with. He asks to take a shot of your drink and of course you say yes, what better ways to make friends. Once he takes the shot you guys yell in delight and suddenly you’re left alone. You wonder where Rodrigo went. No, no, no, it was Ben? Right? You sigh and decide you don’t really give a shit where he went. You decide to call your friends since you can’t find Ricky.

One ring… two… voicemail. Huh, they always pick up the phone. You check your phone to see the time.. oh it’s 3:23 in the morning. That’s probably why they didn’t pick up. You decide it’s a good time to head home. You stumble past some doors, leaning on the walls for dear life. God damn, these heels are killing you, you can’t properly walk because of these damn shoes. You take the six inch heels off your feet and continue to walk towards the door but you realize it wasn’t just the heels that made it difficult to get there. The alcohol messes with you’re vision and suddenly you can’t see in 20/20 anymore. Everything reminds you of that one roller coaster at six flags. You fucking hate that roller coaster.

Only God knows how, but you finally make it home.

The next day you wake up and choose to spend the day with your best friend and finally stop going to parties. As you reach for your phone you dial your best friend’s number and before you can say hello she says “Okay, I love you, but it’s honestly getting fucking annoying when you call me every fucking night/morning drunk out of your mind. It was fine at first, I get it, you need to have some fun, but it’s becoming a problem. We can’t even hang out anymore with out you wanting to party or drink or do something fucking crazy,”. You scoff and tell her to mind her own fucking business. Fuck spending time with your so called best friend. It’s 2 P.M. and you deduct that it’s not too early to start drinking.

It’s 7:03 P.M. and you’re sweating. You can feel it on your arms and your back and basically everywhere. Your legs are sore and you have some bruises that aren’t too pretty. The guy next to you wraps his sweaty arm around your waist and you can’t help but feel disgusted.

What the fuck happened to you? You can’t remember how you used to be before the parties and alcohol. You’re laying on your bed thinking who am I? You can’t recall a moment where you just hung out with friends. You can’t remember when the last time you’ve been to work was. The guy starts kissing up your neck and you shrug him off by grabbing your phone. You check your call logs to see when the last time you’ve talked to your best friend. It’s been 26 days according to your iPhone 7 since she called you out on your bullshit.

You finally realized you miss her. You finally realize you miss yourself, whoever that person was.

You wonder if it was worth it all. You finally realize you’re lost. And it’s so fucking scary because you’re so hopelessly lost.

 


I just wanted to say this is not intended to judge anyone who enjoys doing any of the things I mentioned. I just wanted to share a story of someone who is struggling with their sense of self. This is about someone who gets caught up in having temporary fun and loses everything that they used to love about their self. If you’d like to discuss anything, please feel free to leave a comment. Again in now way is this meant to judge anyone’s behavior. 

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